Monday With the Mechanics
(photo – Cabel Sasser -Flickr)

The Mechanics take a break every day at 1:30. I frequently pop in to say hi during their breaks. When I walked in today, Kevin was parked in his usual spot. In front of him was a fat leather binder with a fireworks catalog inside it. Kevin sells fireworks in bulk every year before July 4th.

Me: KEVIN! Look at you. If you have a leather binder like that, you are BIG TIME.
Kevin: It’s serious business KB.

He then quickly opened the book and started paging through it like a 5-year-old boy seeing a Sears and Roebuck Christmas Wish catalog for the first time.

Kevin: I’ve got that one, and that one, and that one……….ooooh……. but I don’t have that one. I have to get that one. ………. OMG. LOOK! It’s the HATFIELDS AND MCCOYS…….in fireworks!

Me: What do they do?

Kevin (reading the description): “Watch Hattie and Clyde Hatfield from Virgina take on Buba and Lulu McCoy from Kentucy!” The Hatfields and the McCoys started fueding in 1863 so we bring you four feuding fountains, two from each family. Each side emits it’s own showers of either green sparks with gold glittering & titanium crackles and whistles or red sparks with white glittering & titanium crackles and whistles. Sound like gunshots and screaming!…….I. HAVE. TO. HAVE. THIS!

Stay tuned.

The names of the fireworks are hysterical and I often think you could play the “in bed” game with them like you do with fortune cookie fortunes. WILD CAT……… in bed. DIRTY THIRTY…….. in bed. SCREAMING BANSHEE…………in bed. The Hatfields and McCoys…………eehhh……..might be the exception.

For proof:

http://www.blackcatfireworks.com/fireworks/fountains-200-gram/bc-283/

After being swallowed whole by the Depressionasuarus Rex this morning, I decided the best way to get the beast to vomit me back into a happy reality was to visit The Mechanics (my coworkers who maintain the factory equipment). When I ventured to their domain, I found them outside grilling hamburgers and hot dogs for a work-place celebration. As I entered the roped-off grilling area wearing clothes fit for an undertaker slicing and dicing in the depths of a chilly morgue, the following conversaton occured.

Cliff (acting like he is going to throw a frozen hamburger at me): KB! GO LONG!!!
Me: giggle

Progress.

Jim: GOOD LORD KB! TAKE OFF THAT COAT!
Me: It’s freezing in the building.
Kevin: Are you some kind of vampire? (Kevin doesn’t focus on one topic long)
Kevin: OOOHHH………… 1 week to True Blood. BAM!
Me: I don’t watch that.
Kevin: You should! Snookie is a ho vampire.
Me: I came to see y’all because I’m depressed.
Cliff: DEPRESSED!!! KB! Why are you depressed?
Me: My life sucks.
Cliff: You sound like you’ve been in a bar all morning drinking beer. Next thing ya know you’re going to be asking me which end of the bridge is easiest to jump off of.
Me: It’s not THAT bad.
Cliff: See. That’s what I mean. Your life doesn’t suck.
Kevin: I know something that’ll cheer you up? I picked up a load of fireworks yesterday. There are some dandies. This year we’ve go your “Bezerky Frenzy” and your “Dirty Thirty.”
Me: Giggle

More progress.

After standing by the grill for awhile, I began to get hot. I took my coat off. When I did, I noticed the coat had picked up the heady scent of grilled burgers.

Me: Why is there no perfume named “Grilled Burgers?” Would ya’ll like that on women?
Kevin: Yeah. If it was on Jessica Alba.

(quickly changes the subject)

Kevin: Hey! Have you had that new pie at the pie place that involves macaroni and cheese poured in a pie crust made of bacon?

Me: What if there was a perfume that smells like bacon? Would y’all like that?
Guys in unison: NO! no no no.

I hung out with The Mechanics longer than normal today. When I walked away, my mood had been lifted significantly. If I had to develop some kind of hypothesis, I’d say The Mechanics are a Depressionasuarus Rex’s ipecac. Then again. Maybe I started tasting like a grilled hamburger and the Depressionasuarus Rex didn’t like it! Either way, I was properly vomited out of that beast. I love The Mechanics.

Today I ate lunch at the local Tex-Mex restaurant (Houston’s) The Most Interesting Man in the World with the mechanics and The Most Interesting Man in the World who graciously struck a pose with Kevin and Cliff (photo). For lunch, my boys ordered a boy-sized pile of hot wings and proceeded to eat them with the passion of cavemen. They say, “When in Rome, do like the Romans Do,” so I dove in like I hadn’t eaten in a week. The rapid fire of wing slinging elbows resulted in wing sauce being sprayed like machine gun fire on everyone in the room. In the end, all of us sported wing rings around our mouths. We were happy, but my face burned for two hours afterward.

Long after the fire on my face had been extinguished, I went to see Cliff. When I crossed the threshold of his office, I froze. He sat motionless staring at the wall with a blood-dotted tissue hanging out of his nose. The wings apparently had set fire to his sinuses. I immediately started laughing.

Cliff: Man! I’m embarrassed.
Me: Pfft. That’s not embarrassing! When I was a very young adult, my nose started bleeding one time while kissing a boyfriend.

Cliff: Was the boyfriend you were kissing nice about it or did he try to shove your face in a pillow to stop the bleeding?

Me: He was nice. I mean. What would you have done if your girlfriend’s nose started bleeding?

Cliff: As a young man? I wouldn’t have given a crap. I’d probably just said, “Here cram this tissue up your nose and take your clothes off.”

Men.

Day 360
Listening to: She’s A Bad Mama Jama
Thought for the day: Keep Calm and Call the Doctor! Doctor Who? Doctor Who!

Most of the people in my life are very giving and thoughtful. There is one person, however, whose consistency is proving to be stellar. Surprisingly enough, I’ve only been in the presence of this person maybe 4 times in my life (due to the fact she lives in California) which makes this giftacular behavior even better. I’m talking about my sister-in-law, Liz. It’s difficult to imagine loving someone you haven’t really spent much time with, but I love Liz with all my heart. Aside from the fact that she rescued my little brother from a shady future, when it comes to me, the sister, her thoughtfulness is a God-send. Today, I received my first birthday gift and it was from her. Despite not having the familiarity of those who have entered my life hundreds of times, she knows me. I regret not living closer to her. I’m fairly certain we’d be best friends if we did. I’m hopeful that I’ll get to spend more time with her someday. Maybe some L.A. boy will sweep me off my feet. Happy birthday eve to me.

Day 359
Listening to: The Rose
Thought for the day: There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I dunno why she swallowed that fly, Perhaps she’ll die.

When I was a kid, we would take a tall weed like the ones in this photo, wrap the stem around the bloom, and then use the newly created noose to pop off the bloom. During the entire process, we’d say, “Momma had a baby and its head popped off.” You’d time it jjjuuuust right so that the “head popped off” coincided with the bloom being snapped off the stem. In reflection of this childhood game…….WTH!!! I had no idea when I said that rhyme as a child how horrible it was. Then I started thinking of a few others. The jump rope rhymes were the worst. My favorite was: Cinderella dressed in yellar, went upstairs to kiss her fellar, made a mistake, kissed a snake, how many doctors did it take. Yeah. We rolled like that.

Day 358
Listening to: Double Vision
Thought for the day: Normal is not something to aspire to, it’s something to get away from. ~Jodie Foster

The lowest grade I ever received on a test during high school was a 2. That’s right. A TWO. I dipped my toe into this F- squared territory on an Algebra II word-problem test (Fast Eddie gave me this score for those of you who remember him). Why am I telling you this? Today should really be 362 on the countdown, but it’s not. Friday is my birthday and should be 365. In more entry than one, I miscounted. It’s okay though because on my 18th birthday (today’s photo), the cake decorator misspelled my name. Of course at the time, I was trying to pass off Khriss as the correct spelling. Everyone was confused. My teachers tolerated me. My Algebra II teacher was probably gave me a 2 for spelling my name correctly………..Kris.

My equation? If the number of days Kris is supposed to write = y and the number of days Kris misses the count by = x then x+y = Kris is a dumbass and should have to write until she reaches 365.

Day 357
Listening to: CNN
Thought for the day: Praying for Oklahoma

I am glued to the news about the tornado in Oklahoma. I’m really struggling to write. Nothing feels right, so I am going to keep this brief. When I left work today, I took some paperwork to my friend Jerry. He owns a car-repair business (Old Hickory Garage) in my community. Usually when I walk into his garage, he’ll say, “Have you met (insert name)” while pointing to a customer sitting in his office waiting on their car. When I walked in today, he said, “Have you met…” I was expecting a name. He said, “Have you met my dog?” His dog, Princess, was hanging out with him. While there, Jerry shared with me Princess’s special marking on her chest. Look closely! It’s a heart!

Day 356
Listening to: Written All Over Your Face
Thought for the day: Keep Calm and Shed On

I have been thinking about opening up a toupee’ factory for fur challenged pooches. Pearl sheds about 1,000 pounds of hair a day; it could be a profitable business. Of course, then this happened (today’s photo). This is what came out of my vacuum. Holy balls of yarn! I should expand my vision! This ball of hair would make nice yarn. I could make Pearl girl sweaters! Not only would a Labrador sweater be warm, but it would also shed water. PLUS….. you could get a rug for your head to match.

All kidding aside………. Pearl is really showing her age. She’s not handling the heat at all. Even Christian is seeing it. She asked me earlier this week if we could stuff Pearl when she dies. I try not to think about it, but it’s difficult. It’s the moments I think of her dying that the crazy takes over and I really do consider saving a ball of hair like this one and making something out of it. I DIDN’T SAVE IT…….. but I did think about it.

Day 355
Listening to: Without Love
Thought for the day: Rented van $75, Trip with son to Grandma’s House $20, getting told I drive like an old woman – priceless.

If I ever wanted to know what I would look like with sideburns and goatee, all I needed to do today was look to my right (today’s photo). I spent today with my son, Wes. He’s like me in more ways than just appearance.

Though it looks like we hijacked a police cruiser and are living a mother-son version of Thelma and Louise, we’re actually on our way to my mom’s house in a rented U-Haul cargo van. My mom and step dad decided their fairly new Lay-Z-Boy chairs were not working for them, so they gave the chairs to Wes and his roommate. I helped him move the chairs to his rental house. Much to our surprise, my mom and step dad also gave Wes a John Deere lawnmower. It’s now official. Wes has a nicer lawnmower than I have EVER had. Then again, I’m a girl. I always buy what is cheap and not what is best when it comes to lawn equipment. Thanks Mom and Ron!

My favorite conversation with Wes today went like this:

Wes: You brake like an old woman.
Me: How’s that.
Wes: Well. You’re like braaaaaaaaaaaake pause pause brake pause brake brake pause brake.
Me: Great. Usually you’re complaining about my windshield wiper use.
Wes: I don’t even have windshield wipers on my car anymore.
Me: uggggh.

Day 354
Listening to:  Power of Love
Thought for the day: That’s what she said.

Today’s photo is of Kevin. Yes. He is reloading the freezer with Nutty Buddies. It’s no accident he’s one of my favorites. Kevin’s nickname is “Head.”  His nickname is “Head” because; well, look at that head. This is the second time for me to write about Kevin this week. I’d say I’m afraid he might get the big head, but well……..I can’t. Plus, I’d use “Head” in place of Kevin every time I talk about him, but it sounds dirty and there would be too many “that’s what she said” responses.   The #TWSS universe might implode. I’m serious here.

I snapped this shot of Kev during the mechanic’s break. The conversation was lively. Super Dave had stolen Big Jim’s strawberries. All hell had broken loose. I broke out some judgment on them and was promptly reminded I had one time smashed another mechanics pile of crackers in one fell swoop (thus earning me the title “cracker whacker” – #TWSS). The conversation quickly changed from food thievery and smashing to the woman who had an hour earlier jumped off the nearby Old Hickory Bridge. Kevin said if he decided to jump off a bridge he’d make sure to do something spectacular……….. like a cannonball or triple lindy with a half twist (he didn’t say that – I made it up – but he meant it).  Then Kevin started a story, “Oh man. One time I went off a high dive…………………………”  He quickly stopped. I was glued on him like a fly on a cheeseburger. Then he looked at me and emphatically said, “I’m not telling you this story because you’ll write about it.”  I said, “COME ON KEVIN!” He clammed up like an oyster making a pearl.

Kevin will probably never talk to me again, but this goes to show that I love the mechanics and will write about the humor anyway I can.   They SINCERELY should have their own reality show.  I’m so grateful for how much they make me laugh. It keeps me from wanting to jump off a bridge.