Move Over June Cleaver, KB is in Town – My 15th Work Anniversary – Day 38

Day 38
Listening to: Vogue
Thought for the day: HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO ME! :-)

I graduated from college one week, got married the next week, and then started working at DuPont (as a contractor) the following week. The seeds for my entire life were planted in 3 week’s time at the age of 21! It was too much………my marriage was a victim of this over planting.

After working at the DuPont facility in Old Hickory as a contractor for seven years, the company hired me. The date of my hiring was June 30, 1997. Today is my official 15th DuPont anniversary (even though I’ve been worked at the site for 22 years). Basically, I have a metaphoric DuPont logo tattooed on my butt………. next to the branding of George Washington. It’s the only professional job I’ve known. There have been times that I’ve hated the company. I’ve thrown my resume into the wind more than once. However, in retrospect, DuPont has been very good to me. The only reason I’d leave now is if I got laid off or had a chance to work in New York City.

So what’s up with the picture you ask? I got to choose a gift out of catalog chock full of stuff to celebrate my anniversary. The gifts in the catalog ranged from steak knives to jewelry to…………… a SHOP VAC. A FREAKING SHOP VAC?!?!? WTF? I’m thinking a Shop Vac for a company anniversary present is a message saying, “You Suck!” I went for the jewelry. I chose a fresh water pearl necklace (seen in photo)………… mmm hmmm.

Move over June Cleaver. KB is in town.

The Day George Washington Bit my Ass – Day 37

Day 37
Listening to: Olympic Trials
Thought for the day: George Washington was the only president to be elected unanimously, never live in Washington, DC, not have a former administration to blame his screw-ups on, AND………the only president to literally bite my butt.

If my life was a TV sitcom, today’s episode would be called, “The Day George Washington Bit My Ass.” Here is a sampling of the dialog.

Cliff the Mechanic: It was soooo hot yesterday.

Me: Tell me about it. When I got in my car, I felt an intense pain on my left butt check. I thought I had sat on a bug and it was biting me. Turns out, it was just a quarter. I burned my freaking butt on a quarter. I think I have a branding of George Washington back there.

Cliff the Mechanic: That George. He was one hell of a man! Were you going commando KB?

Me: NOOOO…….. The durn thing burned me through two layers of clothes! It was THAT hot.

Dave the Mechanic: George Washington crossed the Delaware. Two layers of clothes ain’t shit to him. Why was there a quarter on your driver’s seat?

Me: I keep change in the side door. When I shut the door, some of it popped out and landed on the seat. I just didn’t see it. I actually got burned by a couple of presidents… know…. pennies…..nickels.

Dave the Mechanic: I can hear Abe now, “KB I’m face down! Flip me over so I can get in on the action too.”

Cliff then reached in his pocket and pulled out a quarter and drew a smiley face on George (photo above).

Cliff the Mechanic: You made George one HAPPY MANNN!!!!

20% Chance of 2-Ply With Up to 20 Rolls Expected – Day 36

Day 36
Listening to: The Very Thought of You
Thought for the day: The first documented use of toilet paper dates back to the 6th century AD in early medieval China.

My neighbor’s house.

What if it precipitated toilet paper? Weather forecasts might say, “There’s an 80% chance of 2-ply tonight. Up to 20 rolls are expected.” Kids would wake up screaming with glee, “No school today! Mother Nature rolled us! YIPPEEE.” Parents would begrudge the fact that they had to drive to work in a cloud of paper. God forbid if it was the cheap scratchy kind. There would probably be cheap scratchy toilet paper warnings in place. Prime time shows might be interrupted by local weatherman who would blather on about the impending doom of a TP storm.

Well guess what? It precipitated toilet paper in my neighborhood this week. Several houses were impacted. This is not my house and I escaped unscathed which is rather unbelievable considering I was an active part of a merry band of rollers (TPers) in high school. I HAVE TOILET PAPER KARMA. To compound the situation, I am aware of one instance when my children went rolling when they were younger and I didn’t stop them. My best friend, who had never experienced the pleasures of TPing, TOOK THEM. I told them I didn’t want to know they were going, but then my daughter came into my bedroom at 3 a.m. woke me up and said, “Mom, where’s the toilet paper?” My day is coming. Note: I have no clue who the perpetrator of this week’s TP storm was. My kids are grown now and gone (whew).

Euphemisms for toilet paper (because I think they’re funny): “bumf,” “bum wad,” “loo roll/paper,” “bog roll,” “toilet roll,” “dunny roll/paper,” “bathroom/toilet tissue,” “TP,” “arsewipe,” and just “tissue.”

Mozarellagasm! My Eastland Cafe Review – Day 35

Day 35
Listening to: It’s Time for Me to Fly..eeh..yahhhh
Thought for the day: The doer alone learneth.  ~Friedrich Nietzsche

My Wednesday Night Dinner Club is on a two- week hiatus. This morning when I woke up the reality of it all smacked me in the face. I was bummed. So, I challenged myself, “Okay Kris, pick one of your favorite restaurants and just go.” During the day, Mr. Doubt started in on me with the, “you’re a loser if you go alone,” kind of talk. I poked that bastard, Mr. Doubt, in the eyes like he was Moe on the Three Stooges. I ended up taking my bad-ass self to The Eastland Café…………….and it was goooooooooooooooooooooooooood.

I was going to write this entry like an official restaurant review, but I am sad to say I didn’t learn how to right food fluff-o-rama schmack in the School of Journalism whilst at  Middle Tennessee State University. Here goes anyway.

Eastland Café offers a dark, yet peaceful, respite from 100 degree summer heat. Upon walking in, the area is well lit, but is dark enough to give a cave-esque atmosphere. It screams, “Bring your heated soul into my depths and I will refresh you.” The sophisticated staff greeted me cheerfully and treated me as if asking for a table for one was not a plague or cause for a third eye. I was immediately set at ease.

Eastland Café serves a happy hour menu replete with inexpensive, yet high quality, drinks and food. The waitress was very forward in encouraging I choose from it. This is a big deal because the prices on the happy hour menu are THE BOMB………..oh wait……….I’m suppose to be seriouser here….. yes I know seriouser isn’t a word. It is now.

I ordered a stone-baked pizza marguerite with a side order of fried green tomatoes. NO I AM NOT PREGNANT AND YES I ATE PIZZA YESTERDAY…………. But not pizza like this. Hand-pulled mozzarella ALWAYS pushes a pizza over into the orgasmic category vs. regular chain-restaurant pizza. OOOH…. I am NOT being seriouser. The pizza was excellent, but the pièce de résistance were the fried green tomatoes. They were slathered in this strange relish that was sweet yet burned my mouth. I wanted to lick the plate when I was done. I didn’t. Someone who licks the plate does not say “pièce de résistance” and they probably don’t write restaurant reviews either. Oh bugger……. I guess I’ll never be a restaurant review columnist. BUT………. I will dine out alone again. It’s not bad. I had 2 martinis, a pizza, and fried green tomatoes all for under $20……………. And I have left over pizza for lunch tomorrow. WATCH OUT FOR THE LUNCH TIME HAND-PULLED MOZARELLAGASM!!! errrr.

Go forth young (wo)man………alone or in a group to the

What is Better Than Pizza? FREE Pizza! – Day 34

Day 34
Listening to: All You Need is Love
Thought for the day: RIP Nora Ephron! Thank you for some of my favorite movies (especially….Michael, Sleepless in Seattle, & When Harry Met Sally).

What is better than pizza? FREEEEE PIZZA! The employees where I worked shattered a record for the number of days worked without an injury on Saturday. Reward? PIIIIIIIIIIIIIZZZZZZZZZZZZZA!!!!!!! I knew going into today that pizza was on the agenda which resulted in a war between my heart, mind, and stomach.

8:00 a.m.
My brain: You haven’t eaten in 3 days. YOU NEED PIZZA NOW!
My stomach: Wait What? You just ate breakfast an hour ago.
My heart: What the brain said.

11:00 a.m. (the featured photo)
My brain: That is a crap ton of pizza! You need to take a running jump and plow into those boxes. Forget decorum. Go head first.
My stomach: I can only hold 2 pieces of pizza.
My brain: SHUT UP…… you can eat a whole pizza. We want FREE pizza.
My stomach: Compromise……..3 pieces.
My brain: Ok. Three pieces and we’ll come back for more.
My heart: What the brain said.

11:30 a.m.
My brain: Woah! You reek of onions! You ate too many pieces of pizza with onions.
My heart: I hurt. WTF happened?
My stomach: What the heart said.
My brain: We need more pizza. IT IS FREE. Help a brain out!

2:00 p.m.
My stomach: I’m hungry!
My brain: SEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Y’all never listen to me. We should have eaten more pizza.
My heart: Stomach! You’re pretty smart for an acid-filled organ. Chill out. You can make it until dinner.

And that’s what I did……..

The Unbelievable Eleven Freaking Percent – Day 33

Day 33
Listening to: Kyrie Eleison
Thought for the day:  “This generation of Americans has a rendezvous with destiny.” -Franklin DelanoRoosevelt

Today I stumbled across this telegram from 1943.  My jaw dropped in gobsmacked-awe-dom.   The telegram congratulates the employees of the DuPont-Rayon facility in Old Hickory, Tennessee for voluntarily donating on average 11% of their pay to the war bonds program.  ELEVEN FREAKING PERCENT.   In addition to the war bond program, these same employees dumped even more money into an early version ofUnited Way.   There are many reasons the WWII generation is called “The Greatest Generation.” This is one of them.  I don’t see them being usurped from this designation any time soon.

The Boredatchurchasaurus (feat. The BoredinmeetingsatworkasaurusRex) – Day 32

Day 32
Listening to: Fire and Rain
Thought for the day: “Our best thoughts come from others.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

This lovely piece of art fell out of my hymnal at church. It features the Boredatchurchasaurus, cousin to the BoredinmeetingsatworkasaurusRex. Boredatchurchasuaruses are always welcome in church. Why? They promote peace and harmony in a sanctuary and allow parents to focus.

I’m not sure at what point the Boredatchurchasaurus became extinct in my life, but it did happen. The BoredinmeetingsatworkasaurusRex, unfortunately, is a fiery beast and will probably never be conquered.

Thank you Katlyn, whoever you are and wherever you are, for sharing your art with me. May your days be blessed and your career be BoredinmeetingsatworkasaurusRex-free.

On the Catwalk – Day 31

Day 31
Listening to:  Don’t Dream It’s Over
Thought for the Day: Ah, summer, what power you have to make us suffer and like it.  ~Russel Baker

I modeled a lot when I was a kid.  Occasionally, I would contract stage frightacitis and my mom would have to carry me.   Today, I brushed the dust off of my dead modeling career and returned to the catwalk to model in a fashion show to benefit the Christian Community Outreach Center in Old Hickory.   The cool part about this benefit was that it involved all of the churches in my community.  There was no denomination division.  How refreshing is that!   Anyway…….. when it came time for me to walk,  I regressed back to the age of 3.  I looked around for my mom.  What?  No mom! My only option was to pull up my big girl panties (not the ones in my yard), smile, and walk………..and I did just that.   (The inset photo is of me right before the fashion show).

It was an honor to participate in this event.  I love the women behind the success of the Christian Community Outreach Center.  They are true warriors in the fight against poverty.

Panties Bouquets for Everyone! – Day 30

Day 30
Listening to: King’s Speech Soundtrack *sigh*
Thought for the Day: Friends are like a mean-ass bouncer at the door to depression. ~KB herself

I’m growing a new flower in my yard. It’s called the pantiesclandestinum, or simply, panties flower.

My dryer has been broken since February. You are looking at one of the hazards of hauling clothes back and forth to the laundromat. I could have easily dropped a t-shirt, sock, or skirt, but noooooooooo I had to drop the panties. I bet my neighbors were all like, “why are there panties in Kris’s yard?” followed by a surge of hope in a change in my marital status.

Well guess what? I dried clothes at the laundromat for the last time this morning! A good friend fixed my dryer for me. Words cannot express my gratitude. I would send him a bouquet of panties flowers, but I don’t think it would be prudent.

I have flirted with Mr. Depression all week, but just when he started to open the door a friend either showed extreme compassion or made me laugh hard enough to blow milk out of my nose. I’d be lost without friends. What the hell. Panties bouquets for everyone!

“Carpe Diem” Does Not Mean “Fish of the Day”

Day 29
Listening to: Game 5
Thought for the day: “Carpe Diem” does not mean “fish of the day.” ~Author Unknown

It’s Thursday which means the parking lot where I work looks more like a boat dealership on steroids than a place for employeesto park. Every Thursday, the mechanics that I work with cast their lines after work to see who can catch the most fish by weight. They take it very seriously.

This morning when I walked into the mechanic’s shop, Cliff the mechanic came at me with his hand in a fist seeking a bump.

Cliff: “Bump me KB.”

I obeyed and fist bumped Cliff.

Me: “Why am I fist-bumping you?”

Cliff: “I need good luck so I’ll win the fishing tournament tonight. You’ll bring me good luck.”

Me: “So what you’re saying is you just sucked all my luck out?”

Cliff: “Well…… YES.”


We both were laughing when another mechanic who had heard pieces of the conversation plowed in and said, “What’s a luck licker?”

In the name of propriety, Cliff and I both walked away quickly.

I’m pretty sure I work in a TV sitcom.