Keep Calm & Call the Doctor

Day 360
Listening to: She’s A Bad Mama Jama
Thought for the day: Keep Calm and Call the Doctor! Doctor Who? Doctor Who!

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Most of the people in my life are very giving and thoughtful. There is one person, however, whose consistency is proving to be stellar. Surprisingly enough, I’ve only been in the presence of this person maybe 4 times in my life (due to the fact she lives in California) which makes this giftacular behavior even better. I’m talking about my sister-in-law, Liz. It’s difficult to imagine loving someone you haven’t really spent much time with, but I love Liz with all my heart. Aside from the fact that she rescued my little brother from a shady future, when it comes to me, the sister, her thoughtfulness is a God-send. Today, I received my first birthday gift and it was from her. Despite not having the familiarity of those who have entered my life hundreds of times, she knows me. I regret not living closer to her. I’m fairly certain we’d be best friends if we did. I’m hopeful that I’ll get to spend more time with her someday. Maybe some L.A. boy will sweep me off my feet. :-D Happy birthday eve to me.

Mamma Had A Baby & Its Head Popped Off

Day 359
Listening to: The Rose
Thought for the day: There was an old lady who swallowed a fly. I dunno why she swallowed that fly, Perhaps she’ll die.

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When I was a kid, we would take a tall weed like the ones in this photo, wrap the stem around the bloom, and then use the newly created noose to pop off the bloom. During the entire process, we’d say, “Momma had a baby and its head popped off.” You’d time it jjjuuuust right so that the “head popped off” coincided with the bloom being snapped off the stem. In reflection of this childhood game…….WTH!!! I had no idea when I said that rhyme as a child how horrible it was. Then I started thinking of a few others. The jump rope rhymes were the worst. My favorite was: Cinderella dressed in yellar, went upstairs to kiss her fellar, made a mistake, kissed a snake, how many doctors did it take. Yeah. We rolled like that.

X+Y=I Can’t Count

Day 358
Listening to: Double Vision
Thought for the day: Normal is not something to aspire to, it’s something to get away from. ~Jodie Foster

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The lowest grade I ever received on a test during high school was a 2. That’s right. A TWO. I dipped my toe into this F- squared territory on an Algebra II word-problem test (Fast Eddie gave me this score for those of you who remember him). Why am I telling you this? Today should really be 362 on the countdown, but it’s not. Friday is my birthday and should be 365. In more entry than one, I miscounted. It’s okay though because on my 18th birthday (today’s photo), the cake decorator misspelled my name. Of course at the time, I was trying to pass off Khriss as the correct spelling. Everyone was confused. My teachers tolerated me. My Algebra II teacher was probably gave me a 2 for spelling my name correctly………..Kris.

My equation? If the number of days Kris is supposed to write = y and the number of days Kris misses the count by = x then x+y = Kris is a dumbass and should have to write until she reaches 365.

The Heart of a Princess

Day 357
Listening to: CNN
Thought for the day: Praying for Oklahoma

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I am glued to the news about the tornado in Oklahoma. I’m really struggling to write. Nothing feels right, so I am going to keep this brief. When I left work today, I took some paperwork to my friend Jerry. He owns a car-repair business (Old Hickory Garage) in my community. Usually when I walk into his garage, he’ll say, “Have you met (insert name)” while pointing to a customer sitting in his office waiting on their car. When I walked in today, he said, “Have you met…” I was expecting a name. He said, “Have you met my dog?” His dog, Princess, was hanging out with him. While there, Jerry shared with me Princess’s special marking on her chest. Look closely! It’s a heart!

Keep Calm and Shed On

Day 356
Listening to: Written All Over Your Face
Thought for the day: Keep Calm and Shed On

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I have been thinking about opening up a toupee’ factory for fur challenged pooches. Pearl sheds about 1,000 pounds of hair a day; it could be a profitable business. Of course, then this happened (today’s photo). This is what came out of my vacuum. Holy balls of yarn! I should expand my vision! This ball of hair would make nice yarn. I could make Pearl girl sweaters! Not only would a Labrador sweater be warm, but it would also shed water. PLUS….. you could get a rug for your head to match.

All kidding aside………. Pearl is really showing her age. She’s not handling the heat at all. Even Christian is seeing it. She asked me earlier this week if we could stuff Pearl when she dies. I try not to think about it, but it’s difficult. It’s the moments I think of her dying that the crazy takes over and I really do consider saving a ball of hair like this one and making something out of it. I DIDN’T SAVE IT…….. but I did think about it.

If I Had Sideburns

Day 355
Listening to: Without Love
Thought for the day: Rented van $75, Trip with son to Grandma’s House $20, getting told I drive like an old woman – priceless.

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If I ever wanted to know what I would look like with sideburns and goatee, all I needed to do today was look to my right (today’s photo). I spent today with my son, Wes. He’s like me in more ways than just appearance.

Though it looks like we hijacked a police cruiser and are living a mother-son version of Thelma and Louise, we’re actually on our way to my mom’s house in a rented U-Haul cargo van. My mom and step dad decided their fairly new Lay-Z-Boy chairs were not working for them, so they gave the chairs to Wes and his roommate. I helped him move the chairs to his rental house. Much to our surprise, my mom and step dad also gave Wes a John Deere lawnmower. It’s now official. Wes has a nicer lawnmower than I have EVER had. Then again, I’m a girl. I always buy what is cheap and not what is best when it comes to lawn equipment. Thanks Mom and Ron!

My favorite conversation with Wes today went like this:

Wes: You brake like an old woman.
Me: How’s that.
Wes: Well. You’re like braaaaaaaaaaaake pause pause brake pause brake brake pause brake.
Me: Great. Usually you’re complaining about my windshield wiper use.
Wes: I don’t even have windshield wipers on my car anymore.
Me: uggggh.

If the #TWSS Universe Implodes, I Apologize

Day 354
Listening to:  Power of Love
Thought for the day: That’s what she said.

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Today’s photo is of Kevin. Yes. He is reloading the freezer with Nutty Buddies. It’s no accident he’s one of my favorites. Kevin’s nickname is “Head.”  His nickname is “Head” because; well, look at that head. This is the second time for me to write about Kevin this week. I’d say I’m afraid he might get the big head, but well……..I can’t. Plus, I’d use “Head” in place of Kevin every time I talk about him, but it sounds dirty and there would be too many “that’s what she said” responses.   The #TWSS universe might implode. I’m serious here.

I snapped this shot of Kev during the mechanic’s break. The conversation was lively. Super Dave had stolen Big Jim’s strawberries. All hell had broken loose. I broke out some judgment on them and was promptly reminded I had one time smashed another mechanics pile of crackers in one fell swoop (thus earning me the title “cracker whacker” – #TWSS). The conversation quickly changed from food thievery and smashing to the woman who had an hour earlier jumped off the nearby Old Hickory Bridge. Kevin said if he decided to jump off a bridge he’d make sure to do something spectacular……….. like a cannonball or triple lindy with a half twist (he didn’t say that – I made it up – but he meant it).  Then Kevin started a story, “Oh man. One time I went off a high dive…………………………”  He quickly stopped. I was glued on him like a fly on a cheeseburger. Then he looked at me and emphatically said, “I’m not telling you this story because you’ll write about it.”  I said, “COME ON KEVIN!” He clammed up like an oyster making a pearl.

Kevin will probably never talk to me again, but this goes to show that I love the mechanics and will write about the humor anyway I can.   They SINCERELY should have their own reality show.  I’m so grateful for how much they make me laugh. It keeps me from wanting to jump off a bridge.

Take Me To the Carnival NOW!

Day 353
Listening to: I Like That Old Time Rock and Roll
Thought for the day: The world is so fast that there are days when the person who says it can’t be done is interrupted by the person who is doing it.

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This is the day the Lord hath made, and THANK GOD THAT MY KIDS ARE GROWN! Today’s photo is of a carnival that was set up for the employees of Fiberweb, the company next to the DuPont facility that pays my light bill. This property was originally owned by DuPont but DuPont couldn’t make it profitable. Fiberweb bought the property and business, moved in, made it work, and now they’re buying more of DuPont’s land………………. and celebrating BIG.

If my kids were young, I would have to avoid driving past this locale at all costs. First, they’d want to go. Second, they wouldn’t understand that it’s not open to the public. It’s a bit cruel to parents of young children living in the village who haphazardly drive past the facility not knowing. Bless all of you. I have experienced the “TAKE ME TO THAT CARNIVAL NOW!” tantrum. It is not pleasant

A James Beard Semi-finalist & I’m Writing About Doughnuts

Day 352
Listening to: I Wear My Sunglasses at Night
Thought for the day: Be sweet and honest always, but for God’s sake don’t eat my doughnuts! ~Emma Bunton

Wednesday Night Dinner Club – Lockeland Table

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Lockeland Table is a b-e-a-U-tiful restaurant tucked quietly away in the up and coming East Nashville area (tonight’s photo). The restaurant was a James Beard semi-finalist for best new restaurant (national big dang deal competition for restaurants). So what do I order? MARGHERITA PIZZA!! I’m not right in the head sometimes. I zeroed in on the “fresh pulled mozzarella” part of the margherita pizza description and the rest of the menu dissolved into a foreign language. I did redeem myself when it came time for dessert (today’s photo). Lockeland Table called these ricotta cheese jelly-filled doughnuts. My 100% Italian WNDC friend called them Zeppole (translation – Italian doughnut – go figure). I called this “My Childhood on a Plate.” Every Wednesday when I was a child my mom and I would go to my Granny Sally’s house. Often, we’d stop at the bakery on the way. I always got a jelly-filled doughnut. They were the best doughnuts to date in my doughnut memory bank and trust me I have experience. I have spent my entire adult life trying to find doughnuts that compare. Tonight I came close. Still not there, but this was close enough for me!

Sadly, Lockeland Table did not make the James Beard finalist cut. One Tennessee restaurant made the cut that I saw and I’ve never heard of it. It’s called The Barn at Blackberry Farm and it’s in Walland, TN (wherever that is). Sounds like the WNDC needs to take a road trip!

Do the Deer Wear Ray-Bans?

Day 351
Listening to: Fat Bottomed Girls
Thought for the day: Wile E. Coyote, Supergenius. I like the way it rolls out. Wile E. Coyote, Supergenius. ~Wile E. Coyote

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Recently, coyotes have been spotted on my employer’s property in the area where I walk during my lunch period. How many people can say their employers provide a home for coyotes? You know me. I think it’s beyond cool, but I’ve promised our safety manager I won’t try to make friends with one. Statistics show they kill only 5 people per year. They are scared of humans for the most part, but the ones on my employer’s property have killed a deer.

Today, when I was on my lunch-time walk, Cliff and Kevin pulled up behind me in a company truck (today’s photo – Kevin is closest to the camera).

Cliff: Hey KB seen any coyotes?

Me: No.

Kevin: You know what to do if you see one right?

Me: No. I am going to Google it. What do I do?

Kevin: RUN!!! No. Wait. If you run, they’ll bite you in the ass. Seriously, you’re supposed to go at them like a half-crazed zombie (Kevin demonstrates his half-crazed zombie approach).

Cliff: They’ll only attack you if they have rabies. You know, like walkers (zombie coyotes – referencing The Walking Dead).

Me: You know they killed a deer right? I’m kind of similar to a deer so I should be scared.

Cliff: (laughing) KB! How are you similar to a deer?

Me: I’m, like, caught in the headlights all of the time.

Cliff: Oh! I thought you were going to tell me the deer around here wear Ray-Bans like yours.

I Googled coyote defense. The advice is to kick the coyote as hard as you can in the ribs while protecting your main arteries! Wile E. Coyote ain’t got a thing on me! MEEP MEEP.