My Dad asked me this year what I wanted for Christmas. I said, “a man.” He gave me an iPad. He gave me an iPad with the sole intention of having the ability to Skype with me. OH THE HORRORS. He calls me every Sunday. Don’t get me wrong. I love the Sunday phone calls, but I often look like I’ve been pulled out of the muck of some city sewer on Sunday. The first time he says, “you look like shit,” the Skype deal is O-V-E-R.
Ok, so my Dad gave me a really cool gift and it made me think. When is someone going to invent an iMan? Maybe I should ask Santa if he can make one.
Think! An iMan would not just “service” me, but would also clean house, cook, and have any voice I want. If I want Colin Firth to say to me, “right then, give us a kiss,” there’s an APP for that. If I want Keith Olbermann to read me a Thurber bedtime story………APP baby. If I want to take a peep at a naked Ryan Gosling, all I would have to do is change the iMan’s background screen. You get the idea. If the iMan breaks my heart, I could gut him and install a new operating system. I suppose you men could have an iWoman too, but we’re perfect……….soooo…… By the way, I looked up iMan on Google images in hopes of seeing a prototype and all I saw was the model, Iman. BOLLOCKS.
The closest I’ve come to receiving a “man” for Christmas was given to me last year. My sister-in-law, Liz, gave me this beauty! How can you not love Liz. No way my bro picked this out!
To be clear, this calendar features half-dressed men doing housework. Yipeee. It’s not true porn. Still, I imagine if my Great Grandmother had been given a Porn for Women calendar, she would have suffered a case of the vapors. Have a look-see at gift ideas from her era taken from her journal. Sigh……. to live in simpler times!
I suppose if there was a jingle to advertise the Porn for Women it would say:
I was feeling really torn,
About this gift of Christmas porn.
But who can resist naked men,
hanging on the wall in the den?
Men doing housework with ease,
While doing a strip tease.
(I never claimed to be a poet………ahemmm).