Recipe Source: Unknown Newspaper
Year: early 1900s
Recipe: Bran Bread for Invalids
Music to cook by: Chain of Fools
When I first saw this recipe, I knew I had to make it regardless of the ingredients gag factor (gag factor equal 10+). I don’t think Martha, Rachel, OR Paula could make this recipe appealing as it was written.
Knowing that this recipe would, indeed, be a disaster I knew I had to be creative. Thus, the bran bread for invalids golf ball was born.
When life serves you bran bread for invalids, MAKE GOLF BALLS!
First off. What exactly is an invalid? When The Mechanics asked me what my next project was going to be, I told them “bran bread for invalids.” Cliff the Mechanic said, “Will I be able to walk again?” My response was, “Judging by the recipe ingredients, I think you’ll just be able to poop again.” He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I don’t have a problem with that.” Cliff the Mechanic is obviously not an invalid.
When I first searched for a definition of “invalid,” I kept getting the “invalid” that rhymes with corn salad and no the “invalid” that rhymes with “fried squid.” Apparently, it is no longer politically correct to use ”invalid” that rhymes with “fried squid” to describe a person with physical disabilities, old age, or constipation.
The recipe was easy enough minus the fact that I had no clue what oven temp to use and/or how long to bake it. GOD WHY AM I DOING THIS????
When I pulled the bran bread for invalids and brand bread for invalids golf balls out of the oven, everything looked good. The devil in me said, “Hey! Tiger Woods’s balls!” shhhh. Then I reminded myself, it’s not how they look…………it’s how they hit off of the TEEEEEE. So, after a bit of cooling, off we went.* The bran bread for invalids golf ball flew like a regular golf ball!!!!!!! The only exception? It left a really, really, really BIG divot in my lawn. Somehow, I don’t think we’ll be seeing these in regulation play any time soon. I know my neighbors think I’ve lost it. They’re probably right.
After tucking my clubs away, I took the bran bread for invalids to work for the The Mechanics to taste. It didn’t go well. I think I hurt Kevin the Mechanic. He looked like a disgruntled crew member after one bite. I may have made him an invalid instead of curing any invalidiosity hiding inside him. I hope he doesn’t resign!
Chris the Mechanic looked at me suspiciously after taking the first bite and said, “I’m regular! I go every morning at 5:03.” I said, “GOOD! Let me know if you go at 4:03 tomorrow morning. If you do, we’ll know that these babies are REALLY a cure for invalidity.”
Cliff the Mechanic was absent from work today. I may have an update tomorrow. The Mechanics said they were going to tell Cliff how wonderful the bread was and lure him into eating this sawdust mouth trap. I may intervene and insist that we need to do a putting test instead. Cliff the Mechanic is the only mechanic I know that will lower himself to such an experiment (none of the other mechanics would bran bread for invalids golf with me….sigh). That’s why I adore him and why he is a member of my crew!
I really miss my Grandmother and Great Grandmother. I wish they were here to guide me! I don’t think they’d approve of Tiger’s balls, however.